Going on a year and I’m still hopeful you’ll leave Her.
I am your beloved, and you are my beloved.
We’ve sat across from one another at Markham Station, most times inside your truck…
Reaching over to touch hands… caressing each other’s thumbs with tenderness.
Touching;
Touching always sends a surge of electricity through me.
We joke and laugh, we talk, and sometimes I just sit in pure adoration.
I know every inch of your face and you know every inch of mine.
I order your food, (honey wings with onion rings, and I won’t forget the juice) and you make my favourites, (peanut punch when I’m menstruating and sorrel all year round)
We sit, together in our love, and I value every second.
Occasionally I call you and you can’t answer.
Sometimes a bit too long till I get a reply… “text me babe”
A constant reminder of the distress I so often hide from you when we’re together.
My heart is a mess.
Sometimes I say nothing while you drive me home to hide my tears.
You would think after almost a year of dating a married man, I would be used to this.
But it still stings just as much as the first time you asked me what you’re supposed to say when I call and you’re in bed next to Her.
In truth, this does not happen often.
Maybe that makes it worse?
I’ll never know for sure…
I suppose the fault is mine.
If I had never let things progress, I wouldn’t feel the hurt tugging on my heart when we need to disguise our relationship
Or feel the jealousy when you go home to you wife; as you always do
So why did I do it?
Why does anyone do it?
Some women do it for the perk of freedom or the absence of committed responsibility.
Some modern women are overly secure,
They feel they only need a man for one thing
Some are too independent to be willing to compromise their life for a relationship.
Some woman feel like by being with a married man there would be no awkward morning-afters,
No constant phone calls or texts so that they can have all the space they want
No complaints from his end; an easy, no obligations, stress-free relationship.
But not this woman…
This woman never saw herself with, nor wanted to be with a married man.
This woman just fell in love against her better judgement.
What started out as a simple, no-strings-attached relationship
(Or at least the illusion of one)
Evolved into much more…
You can never have your cake and eat it too.
Maybe it was the jolt of electricity we both felt the first time we kissed
Maybe it was our mutual understanding of the other’s troubles
Either way, we grew to rely on one another.
We became each other’s go-to when one of us needed support.
And our casual friendship-with-benefits morphed into a caring, loving relationship.
I can sometimes see the adoration dancing in your eyes when you look at me
Just as I know you can see the sparkle in mine.
We know each other inside and out
Our lives so intertwined they are becoming hard to tell apart.
I suppose I didn’t thoroughly think out the cons of this type of relationship.
I thought I had it all figured out.
I didn’t expect to grow to need you.
I didn’t expect to miss you when we weren’t together
I didn’t expect to become so attached to your son
I definitely didn’t expect to fall in love
…or for you to fall in love with me.
Something so simple ended up becoming a stress
We have to keep us on the low
Our time together is limited
Constantly cut short because you have to go home to Her.
I am understanding, empathetic, jealous, angry, and crazy in love all at the same time
At times, so hurt I cry.
I hate being second in line, yet I am.
You tell me, “now is just a bad time”
“you can’t leave right now”
or “you won’t let me pressure you into doing evil/hurting someone else”
…but what about me?
We’ve spoke about having beautiful babies together
Living a happy life together
Feeling like together we can change the world.
Power Couple.
A part of me believes in one day….
Another part of me is screaming, “You know better!”
Yet still I stay…
We have such an intense connection
I’m almost convinced living without you is worse than enduring the agony of sharing “my man”.
Like most everything else in my life,
Our relationship is punctuated by song lyrics I feel relate to our situation/relationship.
Demarco, “Drunk Love”:
She seh she love mi and she want a fambily/She seh she want a BabyGirl, she want a bang belly/Seh she kno mi ago really mind mi yute ah nuh Eli/Seh she ah good woman and da line deh nuh use up already/Seh she nah gimmi no jacket cuz da suit deh nuh ready
Popcaan, “Waiting So Long”:
Mi know you want me/Mi want you and we don’t sorry/Make mi put the ring pon your finger/Take your clothes off, give you a cute baby/ Girl, I been waiting so long, so long fi your sexy body/I know some time in the future, pretty sooner you ago call mi your baby daddy
Aidonia, “Pretty Please”:
The first time me and you fuk/Fall in love wid yo punanny baby/Yo tight pussy grip mi/You have mi gyal but you have mi a way/Same night me and you deh in a the studio, Yo tell mi yuh nah gimmi none/Mi seh pretty please me waan some/From the fuss time wi fuk mi love yuh
Junior Tucker, “Love of a Lifetime”:
That’s why I’m saying Ooooo/Never knew it woulda felt like this/And now we’ve gotten way past a kiss/I think I found the love of lifetime
Romaine Virgo, “Soul Provider”:
Talkin bout forever baby, talk about us/I give you my word, stick to my guns/Believe me when I say it baby, it’s just begun/You don’t understand, oh girl/The full intent of my plan/Baby I wanna be, your soul provider/And baby I wanna stay that way, for the longest time
Not to mention the vast array of songs that remind me of you that make me smile.
Party, Controlla, Tom Cruise, Thinking Out Loud…
Listening to them sometimes makes me feel better
Sometimes they reassure me that someone else has gone through the same thing
Yet, even thru the music, I can feel things slowly starting to fall apart.
I sometimes think about your life with Her.
What are they doing?
Where are they going?
Are you having more fun with Her than with me?
Does She love you as much as I do?
Is She there for you like I am?
Does She always have you on Her mind like I do?
Does She care for your Son the way I know I would?
Our love for each other has stayed strong
…but the relationship feels like it might collapse.
I know what I should to do, as much as I try to ignore it.
I’ve tried before and my heart broke each time.
“It’s not the same”
“I don’t think I can just take you out of my life”
“babe just give me time…”
We would speak sparingly for a few days
but in the silence, my world would feel like it was ending.
My friends and family were stuck not knowing what was going on; all they knew was my seemingly unnecessary melancholy.
I trudged back and forth to work and went on with my daily routine,
itching to call you.
Concurrently wishing you would never call me again and wishing that you would call me
Heart skipping a beat when your number incessantly shows up on my phone screen
Eventually and always caving in…
That day in the red dress
The 1st time I followed you to Chester
Once in October 2015
Once in November 2015
Once in December 2015
After that I realized I should stop trying
Because I will always cave in.
So I decided to go with the flow.
I committed myself to a committed man
And everything that came along with it
After all, I am his dream girl
I know he wants me in his life
I know he knows that I love him
I know that he loves me
He said so…
You said so.
My heart longs for “us”
I want to fully believe in you
My brain won’t let me
.
I sit by, clinging to hope
Sometimes feeling like a Wednesday and Sunday girlfriend.
For those few hours a week while you’re working you’re
mine.
The sun and moon have risen and fallen more than 365 times
And though I am not alone
I am still alone
I refuse to remain alone.
Yet somehow, perhaps naively
My hope does not wane.
Hopefully not in vain
In a turn of events I’ve decided to put an end to this pain
and maybe in another lifetime, if you’re free
I’ll see you again.
Inspired by Alex Alexander’s “Love Story”, a Your Tango Blogger
– Knibblettes
Knibblettes 